Our attachment styles, formed in the crucible of our earliest relationships, are the blueprints of our emotional responses.

The Blueprint of Our Bonds: Unveiling the Attachment Trigger

Our attachment styles, formed in the crucible of our earliest relationships, are the blueprints of our emotional responses. They dictate the triggers that ignite our fears, desires, and behaviors.

➥ Secure Attachment — The Harmony of Trust (Reciprocity and Safety Triggers): "Imagine a leader who walks into a room and radiates calm, instantly fostering a sense of belonging. This is the power of secure attachment. Their ability to create a safe and predictable environment activates the 'reciprocity trigger,' fostering mutual respect and cooperation. This is the legacy of breaking cycles of distrust, building a foundation of secure connection. For example, a securely attached leader will give praise where it is due, and will create an environment where questions are welcomed."

➥ Anxious Attachment — The Yearning for Reassurance (Scarcity and Validation Triggers): "Picture a leader who constantly seeks validation, their decisions driven by a deep need for reassurance. This is the pull of anxious attachment. Their triggers are activated by scarcity, a fear of not being enough. For example, when a leader who has anxious attachment feels that they are not given enough praise, they may begin to feel that their job is in jeapordy, and begin to overwork themselves to compensate. Recognizing these triggers is the first step toward self-validation."

➥ Avoidant Attachment — The Fortress of Independence (Autonomy Trigger): "Envision a leader who stands strong and independent, their emotional walls firmly in place. This is the fortress of avoidant attachment. Their triggers are activated by a fear of dependence, a deep-seated belief that they must navigate life alone. True strength lies in breaking down these walls. For example, a leader with avoidant attachment will have trouble asking for help, even when they are struggling."

➥ Disorganized Attachment — The Storm of Uncertainty (Safety and Uncertainty Triggers): "Consider a leader whose emotions are a turbulent sea, their actions unpredictable. This is the storm of disorganized attachment. Their triggers are activated by a lack of safety, a constant fear of the unknown. Healing requires creating a safe and predictable environment. For example, a leader with disorganized attachment may have emotional outbursts that are uncalled for in a professional setting."

Now, I believe these are guides, not rigid categories. We evolve, shifting between styles based on life experiences. I grew up in a safe environment, yet trauma shifted me between anxious and avoidant attachments. Before therapy, I struggled with frequent feedback seeking, oversensitivity, and difficulty delegating. I knew I was in an unhealthy space, damaging relationships. Acknowledging these toxic behaviors was the first step.

Many women inherit a fear of failure, prioritizing perfectionism.

The Inheritance of Influence: Intergenerational Patterns and Psychological Triggers

Dr. Buqué's work highlights the impact of intergenerational patterns. These inherited echoes shape our triggers, influencing our leadership.

Allow me to give you some real life examples of how these attachment styles and triggers have shown up in my own life.

➥ The Legacy of Emotional Avoidance (Emotional Avoidance Trigger) — "Many women inherit patterns of emotional avoidance, suppressing feelings and prioritizing logic. This manifests as difficulty expressing vulnerability."

I remember struggling to articulate the logic behind my decisions, because 'just knowing' wasn't credible. When I was 11, wanting to learn karate, I remember the sting of my father's dismissal. He asked why, and my simple 'because I want to' wasn't enough. My mother, in her own way, reinforced the thought that school was the only thing that mattered. If I'd articulated the benefits, the discipline, the self-defense, perhaps they'd have listened. But I didn't. Experiences like this, where my gut feelings were rebuked, where my inner voice was silenced, led me to shut down my emotions. A wall went up, and this emotional detachment was sometimes perceived as arrogance, as if I thought I was too good to explain myself. It wasn't arrogance; it was fear. Fear of being dismissed again.

➥ The Cycle of Codependency (Codependency Trigger) — "Some women inherit patterns of codependency, prioritizing others' needs. This manifests as difficulty setting boundaries."

This behavior caused conflicts with friends, family, and colleagues. I had a demanding male colleague who expected me to drop everything for him, to prioritize his needs over my own. When I finally set boundaries, it escalated into a full-blown confrontation. He lied to our manager, painting me as incompetent. I found myself in a meeting room, facing a barrage of insults and threats. I could feel the anger rising, the urge to retaliate, but I held my ground. I presented the facts, clearly outlining my work ethic and his inappropriate behavior. Thankfully, my manager, a pragmatic and fair man, supported me. He knew my colleague was overstepping, driven by his own insecurities. After the meeting, he asked if I could 'acknowledge' my colleague, to appease his anxiety. I understood the request, but I also knew I couldn't compromise my boundaries. This is a common struggle for many women, the pressure to accommodate others at the expense of our own well-being. I encourage sisters to prioritize their mental well-being, to understand that setting boundaries is not selfish, it's essential.

➥ The Fear of Failure (Failure Trigger) — "Many women inherit a fear of failure, prioritizing perfectionism."

Perfectionism! I applaud those who've avoided this trap. As a child, I was fearless, eager to try new things. But moving to Europe, I learned women couldn't make mistakes. The corporate world amplified this message, every aspect of my appearance and demeanor scrutinized. A colleague dismissed my skills because I was a woman, refusing to collaborate. I froze, paralyzed by the fear of proving him right. I let him lead the project, convinced I wasn't good enough. We lost a client. The irony was, my presentation and soft skills were far superior to his. That experience taught me a hard lesson: fear can paralyze us, preventing us from reaching our full potential. It's a lesson I'm still learning, the importance of embracing imperfection, of taking risks, of trusting in my own abilities.

By understanding our triggers, we break free and lead authentically.

IMAKHOU's Path to Authentic Leadership: Integrating EQ and Intergenerational Healing

Conducting this symphony with intention is how we unlock our true potential. Self-awareness and accountability are the foundation of such endeavour and integrating Dr. Buqué's and Livolsi's insights is key.

➥ Unveil Your Triggers — The Power of Introspection (Introspection Trigger): "I practice introspection, identifying triggers to control my reactions."

➥ Breaking the Cycle — The Journey of Healing (Responsibility Trigger): "Therapy and a new environment have helped me break patterns, set boundaries, and embrace vulnerability."

➥ Creating a Sanctuary of Connection — The Power of Sisterhood (Belonging and Safety Triggers): "Through IMAKHOU, I create a safe space for sharing and connection. The women I meet are truly amazing and their experiences, lessons learned as well as their dedication to break the shackles on women’s ankles is what IMAKHOU brings to light because their legacy must be shared as it paves the way to equality and more leadership au féminin."

➥ Leading with Empathy — The Art of Emotional Intelligence (Reciprocity Trigger): "I believe in leading with empathy, connecting with others' needs."

By understanding our triggers, we break free and lead authentically. I believe in connection and sisterhood. Let's weave a legacy of empowerment and create a world where leading au féminin is not an alien concept but truly an intrinsic way for our now and our future.

"Rise together, shine brighter!"

Aïcha Dandjouma

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